Her: what was the question sorry?
Tutor: What do you want to get out of this degree and what you see for yourself in the future.
Her:..Oh...well. To be honest, this is my third degree change so I guess I'm an indecisive person. But I think it also means I'm someone interested in a plethora of things. I guess it's bad not to have a goal, but I don't like to think of the future that much. I'd like to see how my life pans out, what experiences I will learn along the way. I don't like to see life as something pre-destined and planned you know? Isn't it more exciting to take one day at a time and see it as a huge adventure?
They looked at her as if she was different
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Packing
She won't lie.
She's going to miss living here. People might call her silly and childish to place such heavy sentiment towards a home. But there is nothing she can fault with this apartment. Neighbours are friendly and there are hardly ever any outrageous parties which would mean sleepless nights. The balcony overlooks Sydney and every morning its like she's been priviledged to be given a ticket to view the delightful exhibition of the world waking up. Sunsets are equally magnificent and you can never really feel sad in a place like this.
When she first saw her room in her new apartment, she rushed up to the blinds and threw them open only to be disappointed with the concrete walls of the adjacent apartment block next door. But she's always felt this inward connection with the sky since she was young and seeing the sky, whether its the clouds, the stars or a full moon, never fails to lift her mood. Even her name is a salute to the rising of the sun. The clouds of light pastel pink that one can see in the morning during a sunrise (Hiu Tung) struck her mother as a magnificent occurrence. And she wonders, maybe destiny can be found in a name.
What she loved the most, was being able to play guitar during humid summer nights on the balcony. At night, all you can see are hundreds of flourescent lights against the backdrop of summer sky. Every so often, an aeroplane would take flight and as she let her eyes follow its tail lights towards the blue, she would be totally mesmerised by how brightly the stars would shine. To her, with hersilly nightdress on and her arm clutching her overly big guitar, it felt like standing on the edge of the world, with the whole universe as her audience.
And in this state of complete awe and wonderment, she would play and sing.
She's going to miss living here. People might call her silly and childish to place such heavy sentiment towards a home. But there is nothing she can fault with this apartment. Neighbours are friendly and there are hardly ever any outrageous parties which would mean sleepless nights. The balcony overlooks Sydney and every morning its like she's been priviledged to be given a ticket to view the delightful exhibition of the world waking up. Sunsets are equally magnificent and you can never really feel sad in a place like this.
When she first saw her room in her new apartment, she rushed up to the blinds and threw them open only to be disappointed with the concrete walls of the adjacent apartment block next door. But she's always felt this inward connection with the sky since she was young and seeing the sky, whether its the clouds, the stars or a full moon, never fails to lift her mood. Even her name is a salute to the rising of the sun. The clouds of light pastel pink that one can see in the morning during a sunrise (Hiu Tung) struck her mother as a magnificent occurrence. And she wonders, maybe destiny can be found in a name.
What she loved the most, was being able to play guitar during humid summer nights on the balcony. At night, all you can see are hundreds of flourescent lights against the backdrop of summer sky. Every so often, an aeroplane would take flight and as she let her eyes follow its tail lights towards the blue, she would be totally mesmerised by how brightly the stars would shine. To her, with hersilly nightdress on and her arm clutching her overly big guitar, it felt like standing on the edge of the world, with the whole universe as her audience.
And in this state of complete awe and wonderment, she would play and sing.
Moving away will mean, she's loosing her stage.
But she feels so incredibly lucky that she was able to call it her own for 2 years.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The breaking of a family is not really an happy circumstance, its not exactly an occasion to raise your pompoms and prance about in excitement. She's had heartbreak and sadness and pain. But she believes that you grow through adversity, it makes you a stronger person.
This was, essentially, one of the best things that has happened to her. It has made her more mature, stronger and more independent that she has ever been in her whole life. At first she felt like someone had violently knocked me from her perch. She had no sense of balance, no stars to guide her, only an inkling of a thought that someone somwhere in the world is going through harder times.
Famine. Death. Loss of Dignity. Fear. Torture.
She can recite a longer list of cruelties that life can churn out. It is not hard to pick at loose strings. She could continue throwing wild accusations at my parents for their foolishness, their inability to perceive how much this would affect, not only her,her brother and her extended family but how society viewed them as a whole.
To everyone (especially her traditional grandparents) they have failed of course. Nature has taught us, since the beginning of time, that the foundation of life begins with the family as a unit. Without a family, is there a life? Is there a purpose?
It took her a long time to reconcile the fact, that her family was never......meant to be. She felt so blind, so stupid that she never realised her family could not possibly be a whole. They were like ill fitted pieces of a puzzle, like a hoard of hounds on leashes, each pulling at its own direction, wanting an escape, wanting out.
Now that finally the chains are let loose. They can all breathe again.
At night before she goes to sleep and hovering somewhere between dreams and memories, she likes to replay in her mind when her family did seem happy. Patches of instances and moments which convinced her that the last 17 years were not lived in vain........her father telling her and her brother made up bed time stories.........her mother patting a loose hair on her father's head lovingly during his 40 birthday dinner..............playing cards on Friday nights where both of her parents would make sure her brother and her would win....
The next time someone expresses regret that her family is " a lost case". She will smile inwardly.
Because her family is a beautiful ruin that no one will ever understand.
Just a memory blowing in the wind, incomplete but still very much alive.
This was, essentially, one of the best things that has happened to her. It has made her more mature, stronger and more independent that she has ever been in her whole life. At first she felt like someone had violently knocked me from her perch. She had no sense of balance, no stars to guide her, only an inkling of a thought that someone somwhere in the world is going through harder times.
Famine. Death. Loss of Dignity. Fear. Torture.
She can recite a longer list of cruelties that life can churn out. It is not hard to pick at loose strings. She could continue throwing wild accusations at my parents for their foolishness, their inability to perceive how much this would affect, not only her,her brother and her extended family but how society viewed them as a whole.
To everyone (especially her traditional grandparents) they have failed of course. Nature has taught us, since the beginning of time, that the foundation of life begins with the family as a unit. Without a family, is there a life? Is there a purpose?
It took her a long time to reconcile the fact, that her family was never......meant to be. She felt so blind, so stupid that she never realised her family could not possibly be a whole. They were like ill fitted pieces of a puzzle, like a hoard of hounds on leashes, each pulling at its own direction, wanting an escape, wanting out.
Now that finally the chains are let loose. They can all breathe again.
At night before she goes to sleep and hovering somewhere between dreams and memories, she likes to replay in her mind when her family did seem happy. Patches of instances and moments which convinced her that the last 17 years were not lived in vain........her father telling her and her brother made up bed time stories.........her mother patting a loose hair on her father's head lovingly during his 40 birthday dinner..............playing cards on Friday nights where both of her parents would make sure her brother and her would win....
The next time someone expresses regret that her family is " a lost case". She will smile inwardly.
Because her family is a beautiful ruin that no one will ever understand.
Just a memory blowing in the wind, incomplete but still very much alive.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
She thinks She has given a bit of herself away.
She has not written in so long. Buckets of unsaid lines, unfinished poems, flyaway thoughts gather like a forest with overgrown vines in the back of her mind. She thinks a bit of cleansing is always good for the soul.
She doesn't want to go back the way she was before. That shy, pathetic girl, who gets tongue-tied even when talking to the guy at the newsagency to ask for change. She likes her new persona. She's still bubbly and optimistic on the inside but She has stopped pitying herself. Feeling sorry for oneself is a form of self indulgence. An indulgence she can do without. Her insecurities of not being good enough and being afraid to truly show people the underside of her soul has slowly faded away.
In many ways ways she's glad that she's changed, the fear she had only proved to be an obstacle which did not allow her to do normal things. She tries to look at the good of every second, of every minute because she knows how fragile life really is. Even if it is smiling at an irritated customer or spending 10 minutes watching the city skyline at night from her balcony window before she goes to sleep. She's trying to appreciate every little thing that makes up her life.
And the conclusion is? Instead of pondering when people will see the beauty in her, she needs to share beauty with the world. She's going to make something of herself. She knows she hasn't experienced alot, being a girl of 19 (and soon to be 20), she knows nothing about the workings of the world.
But she has experienced happiness, even if it comes in the most obscure shapes and forms. And for her, that's enough.
She has not written in so long. Buckets of unsaid lines, unfinished poems, flyaway thoughts gather like a forest with overgrown vines in the back of her mind. She thinks a bit of cleansing is always good for the soul.
She doesn't want to go back the way she was before. That shy, pathetic girl, who gets tongue-tied even when talking to the guy at the newsagency to ask for change. She likes her new persona. She's still bubbly and optimistic on the inside but She has stopped pitying herself. Feeling sorry for oneself is a form of self indulgence. An indulgence she can do without. Her insecurities of not being good enough and being afraid to truly show people the underside of her soul has slowly faded away.
In many ways ways she's glad that she's changed, the fear she had only proved to be an obstacle which did not allow her to do normal things. She tries to look at the good of every second, of every minute because she knows how fragile life really is. Even if it is smiling at an irritated customer or spending 10 minutes watching the city skyline at night from her balcony window before she goes to sleep. She's trying to appreciate every little thing that makes up her life.
And the conclusion is? Instead of pondering when people will see the beauty in her, she needs to share beauty with the world. She's going to make something of herself. She knows she hasn't experienced alot, being a girl of 19 (and soon to be 20), she knows nothing about the workings of the world.
But she has experienced happiness, even if it comes in the most obscure shapes and forms. And for her, that's enough.
I'm as tall as the sky.
My head is among the clouds. My eyelashes align with Mars. I cry tears that fall as rain and have thoughts that make galaxies spin and supernovas explode. I laugh "love exists" in a tune of my own. My fears flutter like butterflies and float into the dreams of unsuspecting heads below, who bore their eyes into ceiling walls.
They awake and wonder.
Is she real?
My head is among the clouds. My eyelashes align with Mars. I cry tears that fall as rain and have thoughts that make galaxies spin and supernovas explode. I laugh "love exists" in a tune of my own. My fears flutter like butterflies and float into the dreams of unsuspecting heads below, who bore their eyes into ceiling walls.
They awake and wonder.
Is she real?
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